Nitpicks
by Magical Me
Summary: What would the Harry Potter characters say about the way we portray them in fan fics? You're about to find out...
1. Default Chapter Title

This is just a cute little something I put together because I was bored with the three series' I'm in the middle of (only two are posted). I'm such a bad girl. But I like this.   
  


Nitpicks  
*  
  
Harry   
~  
"Oh. I didn't realize they had to be so wet."  
--Harry Potter, on the wet and smelly state of his future school uniform.  
~  


  
Hello. My name's Harry, Harry Potter. But you all knew that. After all, you're the ones who write about me constantly, and make me do and say things I never really would. Honestly. Now...where to begin? I suppose I'm probably one of the least abused characters (thankfully) although it's hard to tell sometimes. For one thing, I'll have you know that I'd never, EVER, date Ginny Weasley. As you're perfectly aware, she is the youngest and only sister of my best friend, Ron Weasley. And I wouldn't want to risk my good friendship with him for a younger girl. She's sweet and everything, but...no.  
  
There are others who match me up with the Ravenclaw seeker, Cho Chang. I'll be honest with you. I used to like her. For at least two years, actually, which is quite a healthy length of time for a boyish crush, which is all it was. Cho was athletic, pretty, and being in Ravenclaw, we must assume she was smart. But just not my type. You can understand that, right? Good.  
  
This next little bit is intended for all you NC-17 authors. My suggestion to you is: GO AND READ THE BOOKS! Eh-hem. Sorry. It's only that, as you all should realize, I am a healthy, sane, good little boy who would never do something as degrading as engaging in sexual intercourse with another human being (male or female) before marriage with that human being (male or female). So there.   
  
Draco's a bloody prick. Ooh...sounds nasty when you think about that, doesn't it? Just had to get that bit out of the way, since you all knew it was coming.  
  
That's all for now, I suppose. I've warned you, now. Watch it, people!  


*  
  
Ron  
~  
"Can I see Uranus too, Lavender?"  
--Ron Weasley, as said during Divination one day at Hogwarts  
~  


  
I have so much to say that I'm not even going to bother with an introduction.  
  
Lavender Brown is not my girlfriend.  
  
Harry and I are best friends. We wouldn't let romance get in the way of our friendship, no matter who the girl is. And I don't believe in love potions, and would never slip any to anyone (as so many of you seem to think I would, for some odd reason).   
  
Lavender Brown is not my girlfriend.  
  
I am not constantly depressed. In fact, the majority of the time, I am a happy, lively, bubbly person. Did I just say bubbly? Uh-oh...maybe I am almost as bad as some of these stories make me!  
  
Lavender Brown is not my girlfriend.  
  
If you've read book four, you'll know I'm sick and tired of constantly being pushed into second placed by all my brothers and Harry. And yet, you people still come up with tons of little stories in which Harry is still the hero, and I am just the sidekick, who doesn't help him defeat You-Know-Who at all. If anything makes me depressed, that does. And whenever girls have to choose between me and Harry (which is also rather depressing), they always seem to think 'Harry's the brave and courageous one, who's constantly sweet and kind. Ron is the funny one, who's just fun to be around." I'm brave and courageous too! Really! I promise!  
  
And Lavender Brown is not my girlfriend.  


*  
  
Hermione  
~  
"We could all have been killed-or worse, expelled."  
--Hermione Granger, on her encounter with Fluffy, the three-headed dog.  
~  


  
It is I, Hermione Granger. Note the grammar lesson involved. The correct phrase is not 'it's me', but 'it is I'. Remember that.  
  
And while you're doing that, it'd also do well for you to remember that I am Hermione Granger (which I already stated-see above paragraph), not Slutty Whoregirl. I am not, have never been, and never will be in love with several people at the same time. And I only wish that everyone was in love with me! I rather like reading your fan fictions about me as the prize of Hogwarts. Unfortunately, as my creator, Joanne Kathleen Rowling, has announced many times, I'm a bit...plain (even with the size of my teeth reduced). Not that I'm bad-looking. But all the boys at Hogwarts are not queuing around the corners of the hallways to just catch a glimpse of me.  
Draco Malfoy is my arch nemesis. Well, he's Harry's, really, but I hate him just about as much as Harry does. Subsequently, I wouldn't date him if you threatened to turn me into a toad and give me to Neville Longbottom, which you would have realized if you could put two and two together. It equals four, you know.  
  
To everyone who's written a biography of me that includes the time spent at my Muggle school: I did so have friends. I'm not that big of a brainy dork! Their names were Twinkletoes and Pugsy, and they were an elephant and a giraffe, respectively. And two nicer creatures you couldn't find anywhere. Such good listeners! Who cares if they were stuffed?  


*  
  
Draco  
~  
"I enjoy a healthy breeze round my privates, thanks."  
--Okay, so Draco Malfoy didn't say that. So sue me!  
~    


  
I'll have you know that I'm thoroughly disgusted with the ways in which you fan fic authors portray me, Draco I'm-not-even-gonna-tell-you-my-middle-name-because-it's-way-too-embarrassing-and-I-hate-my-parents-for-naming-me-it Malfoy. You appear to suffer from brain damage. You appear to think that I am not really as evil as I seem, but that I am merely the victim of years of parental abuse and false notions of pride pounding into my head. You're wrong.  
  
I, Draco I'm-not-even-gonna-tell...Oh, never mind about all that. It's a bother to type, anyway. The point is, I'm really just as evil as I seem in Rowling's books. I despise Harry, Ron, Hermione, and all Gryffindors, and I have indeed started a Junior Death Eater's club, which I'm quite proud of. Dennis Creevey's vice president, you know, and a damn good one at that.  
  
Eh-hem. I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HERMIONE WHATEVER-HER-MIDDLE-NAME-IS GRANGER! Do you understand? Read my lips! Oh, wait, you can't. Er-read these words! Not in love! Ugh! That bushy-haired brainiac? Besides, if I was in love with her I'd probably lose favor in my master, You-Know-Who's eyes. He's had a crush on her since she got to Hogwarts.   
  
But you were right about one thing. I wasn't treated well by my parents. They refused to buy me Cheese-Its, because they're a Muggle thing. I NEED MY CHEESE-ITS! *Sob*  
  
Whatever Harry said about me, it's not true.  


*  
  
Parvati and Lavender  
~  
"Eurgh!"  
--Lavender Brown, on her opinion of Blast-Ended Skrewts.  
~  


  
Lavender: I am Lavender Brown, and I am my own person.  
  
Parvati: And I am Parvati Patil, and I am my own person.  
  
Lavender: I am not a complete airhead.  
  
Parvati: My head is not a balloon.  
  
Lavender: I'm in Gryffindor, and I'm brave, not completely twitty.  
  
Parvati: I'm not completely twitty, I'm brave. I'm in Gryffindor.  
  
Lavender: Divination is what we do, not who we are.  
  
Parvati: What she said.  
  
Lavender: We've stopped giggling, because our voices started to hurt. So you can stop putting in all the parts of your stories in which we giggle.  
  
Parvati: Yeah. Giggling hurts, so we don't do it. Er...like drugs.  
  
Lavender: Whatever.   
  
Parvati: What she said.  
  
Lavender: And yes, I do like Seamus Finnigan, so I like all the stories in which we're dating.  
  
Parvati: And Lavender is not the boss of me. I'm not the crummy old sidekick.  
  
Lavender: You tell them, Parvati.   
  
Parvati: Yes, ma'am.  
  
Lavender: Ron Weasley is not my boyfriend.  


*  
  
Crabbe and Goyle  
~  
"Grunt. Evil cackle. I'm hungry."  
--I don't know when, but I'm sure they've said these things. Or grunted them, as the case may be.  
~  


  
Crabbe: I am Lavender Brown, and I am my own person.  
  
Goyle: I am Parvati Patil, and I ate-er, am my own person.  
  
Crabbe: Haven't we done this one already?  
  
Goyle: Huh?  
  
Crabbe: Haven't we done this one already? It sounds oddly familiar.  
  
Goyle: Oh well.  
  
Crabbe: I am not gay.  
  
Goyle: You're not?  
  
Crabbe: No.  
  
Goyle: Then I'm not either.  
  
Crabbe: I most certainly do not have a crush on Goyle, and I don't have one on Draco, either.  
  
Goyle: Naturally. You'd be killed if you did, right? I mean, the Dark Lord has a crush on Draco, and he doesn't like competition.  
  
Crabbe: Yeah. Sure.  
  
Goyle: I'm hungry.  
  
Crabbe: Grunt.  
  
Goyle: Evil cackle.  
  
Crabbe: We are not constantly eating or tagging along Malfoy.  
  
Goyle: Yeah, we sleep too. And snore.  
  
Crabbe: A lot.  
  
Goyle: Er...  
  
Crabbe: I don't suppose there's much else to say...  
  
Goyle: I like the Care Bears.  
  
Crabbe: So you fan fiction authors better shape up your attitudes towards us.  
  
Goyle: Cuz it's getting kind of old.  
  
Crabbe: I'm hungry.  
  
Goyle: Grunt.  
  
Crabbe: Evil cackle.  


*  
  
Dennis  
~  
"Colin, I fell in!"  
--Dennis Creevey, on his experience in the watery depths of the Hogwarts lake.  
~  


  
Whatever Malfoy says about me, it's not true.  


*  


  
A/N: I hoped you liked that, because there are at least two more on the way! They're a lot of fun to write. Hehe. In the future, expect to hear from:  
  
Voldemort  
Dumbledore  
McGonagall  
Snape  
Hagrid  
Neville  
Colin Creevey  
Sirius  
Lucius Malfoy  
The Bloody Baron  
Fred and George  
and other people, too. If you have any suggestions as to who you'd like to see nitpicking, tell me, and I'd be happy to write them in!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Default Chapter Title

Number three! All about (duh) the teachers! Slightly shorter than the other two, I think, but hopefully just as entertaining. Again, you read this purely at your own risk. I cannot be responsible for all the damage this might do to your brain cells!  
  


Nitpicks: The Faculty Flames  
*  
  
McGonagall  
*  
"The Yule Ball is of course a chance for us all to-er-let our hair down."  
--Minerva McGonagall, before launching into a lecture on appropriate behavior at a ball  
*  


  
I've wanted to do this for such a long time, I can't even begin to tell you. So I'll adjust my SQUARE glasses in front of my GREEN eyes and smooth my BLACK hair that I keep pulled into a BUN and begin.   
  
Reading the numerous works of fan fiction found on this site, I've classified nearly each and every one (at least those pertaining to me), as one of the three F's. Foul, faux, and funicular. Scratch that last one and make it frightening. According to you people, I've been "strutting my stuff in the shagadellic shack" with:  
  
Severus Snape (that's a popular one)  
Albus Dumbledore (another popular one)  
Cornelius Fudge (where did that come from?)  
Professor Flitwick (he's too short to get the job done properly)  
Harry Potter (I don't go for younger men)  
Hermione Granger (you all realize she's a girl, don't you?)  
Rubeus Hagrid (he'd crush me, plain and simple)  
Sirius Black (you know I was his teacher?)  
Remus Lupin (ditto)  
James Potter (that whole dead thing makes this one kind of hard)  
Mad-Eye Moody (I don't like letting them see me before I see them)  
Fluffy the Three-Headed Dog (three heads do come in handy)  
  
And that's not the last of them. I could go on for days, but that would bore you, and I'm no Professor Binns (ooh, forgot about him!). So work on that, people, okay? A few good quality fics about me that aren't romance, disgusting, or my life before I was a teacher? My childhood days were particularly traumatic. My best friend was a rat who liked to play handball. We won't get into that.  


*  
  
Hagrid  
*  
"Codswallop."  
--Rubeus Hagrid, on his opinion of the hope that You-Know-Who had died. Codswallop, codswallop, codswallop, codswallop!  
*  


  
The English language is a beautiful thing. I, personally, abuse it. Can't help it. Me mum was a giant, and them giant folks have funny accents. However, this is no excuse fer yeh ter go an abuse my speech. Observe:  
  
'Oly 'ell, 'Arry! I dun't know what yar thinkin' yeh be doin, but I don' like it, no siree Bob!  
  
That is in no way any variation of the way I speak. And yet, I've seen yeh write sentences jus' like that one, and think yer imitatin' me! Codswallop!   
  
Please excuse my reference to Bob, an old friend of mine. No more to say. Except that can yeh tell I've been takin' English lessons?  


*  
  
Flitwick  
*  
"Squeak!"  
--Professor Flitwick, at many different points throughout the four books. Hasn't anyone else noticed how much he does that?  
*  


  
Little Flitwick-that's all I ever hear! Tiny Flitwick-that's all I ever hear! Petite Flitwick-that's all I ever hear! All I ever hear! All I ever hear! All-I-ev-er-hear! And he finishes with a bang just to prove his point, that little men are more than simply little men! And now that I'm done doing a particularly, and I mean particularly bad filk of No, No, Nannette, I can elaborate upon my point to you.  
  
I'm sick and tired of being mentioned once or twice as an unimportant teacher, and then being shoved to the back of all fan fiction, because nobody wants to write about a man who's only, what, 4' 8? Female Gymnasts dwarf me! But does anybody look over that? Does anyone realize that there's a real, caring, interesting individual behind the mask! Behind the prison of his own body!   
  
I wish I could say that someone does. Just someone, one person! Two! All I ask. And to you, the one writing this, I find that quote at the beginning particularly offensive. Squeak? Couldn't you do any better? I do more than squeak, you know! I have a voice, I have a choice, I'm watching Nick! Yeah yeah, that's right, I'm watching Nick!  
  
Eh-hem. An unusually loud voice for someone of my 'picturesque' stature.   
  
And a question. How did you all come up with me as the head of Ravenclaw house? Do I really seem the type? I'm terribly flattered, you know, to be widely acknowledged as having a big brain in comparison to my tiny body, but I myself always thought I was more the Hufflepuff type.   


*  
  
Snape  
*  
"Or maybe, he's waiting to hear why you two didn't arrive on the school train."  
--Severus Snape, to Harry and Ron Weasley upon finding them hoping that he'd been sacked  
*  


  
Once in love with Lily, always in love with Lily.   
  
I wasn't in love with Lily.  
  
Ha-haaaaa! Had you fooled! Most people don't capture my practical joker side, which is a shame. I'm a truly likeable person, once you get to know me. If that stupid Harry Potter wasn't such a stick-up-the-butt, he'd realize that too. I like to order pizza, watch Seinfeld reruns, and dress in shiny black leather and play the electric guitar with my cat, Hatshepsut.   
  
You know, I didn't hate James Potter because he married Lily. She was a know-it-all Mudblood, anyway, and red hair reminds me of the devil. I don't want to think about him before I meet him. But no, James Potter, the dumb prat, liked Frasier better than Seinfeld, and I could never, ever get along with anyone with such a distorted world view. Now, I know neither of these shows was around at the time James and I went to school, but you aren't really buying any of this anyway, so I figured it didn't matter.  
  
Lucius Malfoy and I didn't go to school together. By that, I mean we weren't in the same year. He was a sixth or seventh year when I was in my first, and he was my hero and idol. But we weren't partners in crime. Just thought I'd clear that up. Sorry, nothing funny there.  


*  
  
Dumbledore  
*  
"I am not joking, Mr. Weasley, thought, now you mention it, I did hear an excellent one over the summer about a troll, a hag, and a leprechaun who all go into a bar--"  
--Albus Dumbledore, in response to a loud comment by a Weasley twin about the Triwizard Tournament  
*  


  
As you all undoubtedly know, life is a wonderful thing, and should be cherished. However, I seem, in most of your fictions, to be destined to be deprived of the joy of living very soon. It's 'Dumbledore died this' and 'Dumbledore died that', all day and night long! And then it always makes someone, particularly Harry, although sometimes Miss Granger or Mr. Weasley, extremely upset, allowing for a whole pouring out of emotions, but very little plot.  
  
Now, I really don't care whether I'm speaking for myself or the rest of the world when I say, it's getting old. I want to live! I deserve to live! I am a genuine hero. I do understand that I can't keep from dying in every single story, but once in a while, it would be a true treat to see me live.  
  
Another true treat would be to see me do some defeating. It's always Harry, Harry, Harry! And for your insane Malfoy maniacs, Malfoy, Malfoy, Malfoy. And quite frequently, they team up and destroy some amazingly evil force, while I'm not even mentioned, or have a few charming lines before being completely forgot about! Are we forgetting that I'm considered by many to be the most powerful wizard of the time? That Voldemort fears me? That I defeated Grindelwald? That I know things-very big, secret things? That I'm Harry's backbone, outside of his friends? The answer here is a big, fat, juicy YES.  
  
Albus Dumbledore and the Philosopher's Stone-I like that. Get to work on it! That mirror thing was my idea, you know!  


*  
  
Pansy Parkinson  
*  
"Oh, Draco!"   
--Pansy Parkinson, in a simpering voice  
*  


  
Oooooh, I could kill somebody! Avad-no, I'll calm down. So sorry about that. I know this is supposed to be a violence-free story, thus adding to its appeal to the kiddies. Let's keep it PG13, Pansy! Moving on...  
  
I was booted off the evil nitpickers list, because they decided to give that horrible Dennis Creevey my spot. That kid is the most two-faced little demon I've ever come in contact with! And so I had to be tacked on at the end of the teachers' nitpicking. I'll never, ever, ever become a teacher. I hate children. I hate my brothers and sisters, and my friends, and the whole bunch of brats! In fact, I find it horribly sad that we all have to pass through this despicable stage in life. I'm quite tempted to hate myself. But I love myself too much to do that.  
  
Let's be honest here, all right? I'm not in love with Draco. I'm in love with his money, and his power in the wizarding world. He's not in love with me either, he just loves my beautiful face, but that's beside the point. The point is that you can stop saying that I keep following Draco because I'm desperately in love with him, and he rejects me and I run off crying. I follow him around because I hope to someday marry him, kill him, and become mistress of Malfoy manor. There's a slight difference.  
  
Please don't tell Draco. I'm afraid he'd have his father kill me, and we wouldn't want that. Would we? Avada Kedav-  


*  
  
Mary Sue  
*  
"Plug in quote here-there are plenty."  
--You know who, you know what, you know when, you know where, you know why.  
*  


  
I, also, am not a teacher. But I'm also not a student, or a creature, or anything in the Harry Potter books, or any other book or game or movie or anything like that. My name is Mary Sue Smith, and I'm a fourteen year-old girl growing up on a farm in Oklahoma.  
  
I'm here today to make a plea to you all to stop using my name to describe uniformly perfect (in fact, disgustingly so) little girls, who come into Hogwarts, enchant the whole lot of students, including Draco Malfoy, has a deep, dark secret more often than not, and ends up getting the author's favorite guy.   
  
Growing up today is hard enough, without having people snicker every time you walk by, because they associate you with such horrendous creations of your minds. I'm ridiculed at school, and nobody wants to be my friend, just because I'm called Mary Sue. And the Smith doesn't help either.  
  
So please, on behalf of all the Mary Sue's around the world (there are a lot of them, we've started up an online support group for those struggling with the effects of Mary Sue-ism), pick another name. Like, call them Janets, or Janes, or Amandas, or Catherines, or Karens, or Alysons, or Susies, or Sallys, or Laurens, or Ashleys, or Nancys, or Annies, or Christines, or Elizabeths, or Joannas, or Lynns, or Jennas, or Noras, or  


*  


  
A/N: And there you have it! Hope you liked it, it was fun to write. So keep on the lookout for the next Nitpicks, I have at least two more fun filled ones planned! Feel free to e-mail me with anything you'd like to say. I love getting e-mail.  
  
I have a new respect for nitpickers, you know. Do you know how hard it is to pick nits? It takes so much patience! They're so tiny! You have to just do it for hours and hours...really! Keep that in mind next time you criticize someone who nitpicks!


End file.
